What I don't want you to know about me...

Here's something I don't want you to know about me. đ€« I love control. Not control over people but control over time and my future. I love well-thought out plans. I love knowing exactly what is and is not going to happen. I love air-tight strategies for growth and development. For any presentations I have to give I will secretly over prepare because I don't want to screw up. I have become an expert at manipulating my inner game to create results. It is so tiring and it never ends. đ” I do this because I'm afraid of "not-knowing what is going to happen". I've come to see Control as form of self-soothing. It helps me feel like I am making "progress" and that "I am in charge". đ§ïž It also holds me back. A lot. I can be so fixed in how something is supposed to happen that I close off any space for myself to be delighted and surprised. đ§ïž Lately I've been playing at my edges and letting go of the fear of not knowing and having more faith in serendipity and in my innate wisdom. I was curious to see what would be possible. đ„ What I've come to see is that EVERYTHING is possible AND on offer. Everything. ⥠Recently, a Teacher that I have been studying and I have been wanting to meet in person, suddenly announced a Retreat in Singapore at the end of year! đŻ In my mind, this was something that was impossible - I always thought that I would have to travel to the US to meet this teacher in person. I am delighted and surprised - and kind of pissed that my controlling ways had very little to do in making this happen for myself. đ€Ł It makes me think of all the other things I am trying to "make" happen forcibly. I'm slowing down and opening myself up MORE to "I have no idea what's going to happen - and I'm excited". đŻ What are you currently trying to "make" happen? â€ïž
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